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THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
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Keeping child away from grandmother
I am trying to start over again as a single mom with a dysfunctional family history. My daughter is in therapy for the abuse she received at the hands of my ex-husband.
My mother is old and doesn’t remember being abusive to me during my divorce, or scaring my daughter and interfering with my parenting.
My mother insists that I am making her crazy and she wants to see me and my child, but the child’s therapist doesn’t want the child to have access to Granny. How do I say “no” without hurting my mother?
….KATI
**It may not be possible to say “no” to your mother without hurting her or perhaps making her angry, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
When we assert ourselves with people who are accustomed to manipulating us, they often do get upset or angry because they aren’t getting what they want. They also usually test the limits we’ve set by continuing to behave in the inappropriate ways. If we give in (either out of concern for their “hurt” feelings or in fear of their anger), we just give them license to walk all over us. Your child‘s welfare is more important than your mother’s feelings.
It’s important that your daughter be protected from people who can harm her, and I will assume your child’s therapist (who knows far more about your situation than I do) has good reasons for recommending that your mother have no contact with the child. It also sounds as though you have witnessed your mother’s behaving harmfully toward your daughter, which would be a good reason to limit contact with her even without a therapist’s recommendation.
If you are unable to figure out how to say “no” to your mother, please consider talking with a therapist yourself (whether your child’s or another therapist of your own) to address this issue. A therapist can help you plan how to handle your mother’s requests. It’s possible that you may have to say it many, many times. What I do know is this: as long as your mother’s behaviour endangers your daughter in any away, you will need to say “no” to every request. Good luck.
I’m dating my exboyfriend again
I’ve just started seeing my ex-boyfriend again and I’m worried he is going to treat me badly like last time. We have been friends in between breaking up and getting back together again, and the whole time he said he still liked me.
However, I don’t know whether he is being genuine or not, as nearly every time I ask him to go out he is busy doing something else. Also, he never is the one to arrange things, it’s always me.
What do I do to make him come to me? And also, do you think he is telling the truth?
......PAMELA
Getting back together with the ex is always a tricky proposition, writes dating expert Bonny Albo. You have not shared how long the two of you have been together, how long you were apart, or any other details related to the length, time spent or intensity previously, so I have to assume this was a longer-term relationship that ended (for reasons unknown) and has since been rekindled by one or both of you.
As well, you say your ex treated you badly before, but you have not shared what badly was exactly. Is not calling a pattern with him, or was it something much more challenging? What I can tell from your dating advice request however is that you are frustrated, unhappy with the way things stand, and feel distrustful of your partner. And since trust is the cornerstone of every good relationship, your problem becomes quite clear. First off, you need to rework how you look at your relationship. This isn’t a question of making your partner come to you, as you’ve asked.
If your partner is interested and willing, there will be no doubt he wants to be in a relationship with you. Drawing him in wouldn’t be necessary, because he would already be right by your side. Now, that isn’t to say his requirements for how much time spent together are the same as yours and that may need to be discussed. What it does mean is that if your boyfriend wants to remain your boyfriend, he’ll make a reasonable amount of time to be with you. Therefore, stop asking him out.
Stop trying to draw him in. In fact, stop doing anything that might be construed as trying to get your boyfriend to do something. Instead, let him know (nicely, politely, quickly and without fanfare) your expectations when it comes to hanging out, and then let him take the reins. Give your boyfriend the opportunity to please you, not let you down. While you are waiting for him to set up a date, I’d also suggest you take a closer look at how much you trust your partner. Are there residual issues from your previous relationship with him that need to be addressed? Keeping child
Dealing with unfinished business
IN order to start meeting people, its best if most resentments from the past are eliminated, first. For many singles this is a piece of relationship advice that may be an enormous challenge, but the courage and openness it takes to deal with any unfinished business in your emotional history will create the kind of space in your life required to invite in someone new.
To better understand the unfinished business in your life, review the following questions, keeping in mind the people’s names that come out of this list may not necessarily be just former partners: Is there anyone I need to apologize to, send thanks, or seek resolution with? What resentment, anger, fear, hurt, grief, or pain comes to mind when thinking of people I’ve had any kind of relationship with? If a friend were to mention someone’s name in passing, would there be a negative physical response to their name coming up in conversation? For instance your heart sinks or something gets caught in your throat.
Are there any conclusions I’ve made about who I am as a person from these interactions that require further investigation? Depending on your past experiences, your answers to these questions may be brief or lengthy. Don’t be surprised if the list of people increases as you work through this unfinished business or have more time to ponder them.
*Making apologies:
If you’ve held on to guilt about a specific relationship or something you did for a number of years, wouldn’t it be a relief to let that burden go? Even if you have no interest in making contact with this person again (or can’t because they’ve moved away or passed on), there are many ways to say you’re sorry that have enough meaning for you to move on with your life.
Writing a detailed apology on a piece of paper that you later burn, enshrine, or put into a helium-filled balloon and let waft into the sky are all ideas to try.
*Dealing with conflicts not yet resolved:
Go back and look at the questions you answered in part one, and prioritize the people that you want to clear the air with. Then, write a letter to this person telling them you’d like to meet. Your letter could be something as simple as, “You’ve been on my mind of late, and I feel strongly that we need to get together to talk about what happened. Please know that I have no intentions here other than to talk and try to come to terms with our conflicts.
I’d like nothing more for both of us to be able to think of the other without any negative feelings.” Send your letter to the first person on your list, keeping in mind it may come as a shock to the receiver. If they don’t respond in a couple of weeks, then take the time to write out everything you wanted to say to them in person so that at least you can move on. Or, if the person asks for no contact whatsoever, write the letter anyway and dispose of it using a method that both honours the intended receiver and your memory of them. Don’t forget to include the following ideas and thoughts in your letter: Anything the other person did to make you feel loved, appreciated, special, or anything else positive that came from the interaction; what you learned from your relationship with this person; any qualities you appreciate in this person; and whether or not you want to leave the door open for further interactions or not.
*Grieving:
You’ll know that you’ve grieved to completion about a person or a relationship when you can remember the experience with only peace in your heart. This also means not feeling intense loneliness night upon seeing your empty bed or crying when finding something of theirs unexpectedly. Each person grieves on their own timeline and in their own way. There are no guidelines to follow, only the knowledge that when you’ve worked through your grief you’ll be a better person for the experience. |
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