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THE LOVE THING
By Eric Orji
E-mail: ayoadehat@yahoo.co.uk |
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Stop fights before they start
NINETEENTH-CENTURY military theorist Carl von Clausewitz suggested that war happens when one nation tries to impose its will on another: “…as one side dictates the law to the other, there arises a sort of reciprocal action, which logically must lead to an extreme.”
Clausewitz’s maxim can be applied to relationship warfare as well. Couples tend to fight when one party tries to dictate the law to the other. Disagreements and arguments are normal parts of any relationship, but conflict can also do irreparable damage.
And let’s face it, when it comes to emotional argumentation, women are tactical geniuses and men are badly outmatched. Follow these tips if you want to level the battlefield and stop fights before they start.
*Use diplomacy:-
As an recognize first that every fight is effectively a civil war. Your girlfriend is not an enemy combatant and she is not your adversary.
And, any damage you do to your relationship is ultimately damage that you do to yourself. In the end, you both want the same thing, which is a fulfilling and satisfying relationship with a partner who respects and understands you. Therefore, you should think less about proving her wrong and more about achieving a desired outcome. To this end, diplomacy is key to achieving appeasement. Be clear about your expectations. If it bothers you that she talks to her ex-boyfriend twice a week, tell her so. Don’t wait until manageable problems become crises. If you’re clear about what you want from her and she’s clear about what she wants from you, you won’t find yourselves caught in the fog of war nearly as often and together you’ll be able to stop fights before they start.
*Defuse potential issues:-
Women tend to let things simmer, which is not conducive to helping you stop fights before they start. Your partner might let a situation develop for weeks before something (even something completely unrelated) finally triggers an ear-blistering, weekend-ruining outburst.
You need to defuse that bomb before it goes off. If she suddenly gets moody or distant, call her on it and find out what’s bothering her as soon as you can. Get to the root of her problem before it becomes your problem — just don’t call it “her” problem.
*Appeasement never works:-
Look, every relationship requires compromise, but you can’t stop fights before they start if you surrender before there’s an issue, which would mean that you’re a complete pushover.
Women won’t respect a man who doesn’t stand up for himself. Don’t let her make all the decisions just to avoid “rocking the boat.” Constantly deferring to her judgment will only irritate her and make you look weak.
If she picks the restaurant, you pick the movie. Got a dinner party at her best friend’s place this weekend? Fine. Next weekend the two of you are going camping.
Compromise is fine, but make sure you’re only giving as much as you’re getting.
*Watch your mouth:-
Avoid name-calling at all costs, as it’s a surefire way to cause an argument to escalate. Not to mention the fact that it’s childish, disrespectful and it will come back to haunt you when you least expect it. It’s okay to criticize her behaviour, but try to avoid criticizing her character.
Steer clear of categorical statements like: “You always do this” or “You’re never willing to compromise.” If you call her “selfish” or “inconsiderate” in the heat of the moment, she will remember, and you can guarantee she’ll bring it up again the next time you have a disagreement.
*Plan a preemptive strike:-
Women tend to start fights when the men in their lives get lazy. Admit it; there’s an inverse correlation between the amount of effort you put into your relationship and the amount of time the two of you have spent together. Guys often do just enough to avoid getting yelled at, but you can stop the yelling before it starts if you take some initiative.
Cook her dinner once in awhile or plan a romantic getaway and you’ll surely stop fights before they start.
It’s essential to recognize that this strategy only works proactively. Contrary to conventional wisdom, sending her candy and flowers won’t earn you forgiveness if a fight has already started. You can’t buy your way out of an argument, but with a little foresight you might be able to prevent one before it starts.
*Conflict resolution:-
Now, tensions will sometimes flare. One of you will cross the line, and the other won’t be able to tolerate the encroachment. Use these tips to keep conflict in check; ignore them and you might have to start working on an exit strategy.
How do I unbreak my heart?
My love and I have been through a lot. He previously got engaged and I stayed by his side to help him with the fiancée from hell. When he left her I was there in a flash to be his best bud. I’ve loved him from the moment I set eyes on him, but my world has come crashing down. I found out that in the short span of time while we had broken up he had slept with three of my friends whom I considered sisters. I tried to handle it with grace for six months now but I’m not superwoman.
It hurts to know this and even though everything has been great since we got back together it all feels like a lie when I think about who he’s shared his bed with. The few friends I’ve spoken too about it give contradictory answers. The only person who really seems to know was my mom.
She asked if anything has happened since. If not then I should learn the art of forgiveness and try to be happy and if I can’t do that someone else is out there to think I’m great. Please help me! What are the baby steps I need to take to unbreak my heart?
-SHAD
**Keeping your thoughts to yourself is never the best option when it comes to situations like these. If you’re unable to communicate when something has troubled you, you’re not giving the relationship any real chance to succeed. Right now you’re creating a scenario where your relationship is based on false premises.
He believes everything is fine with what he’s done and you’re silently stewing away. Eventually your anger and hurt is going to spill over into other aspects of the relationship, if they haven’t already. The sad part about this is that he’ll have no idea where all this emotion is coming from and will undeniably think you’ve gone mad. No one needs to be a superwoman by keeping their emotions in check and not rocking the boat. You’ll know you’ve found the “real” thing when you can comfortably confront your partner on anything and know you’ll be able to work things out together. If you don’t ever talk to him about what’s going on in your head, you’ll never find out what real potential this relationship has. If you really want to get closure over this you’re going to have to tell him what’s on your mind.
His reaction to this will give you an obvious sign as to what steps to take next.
Am caught between two men
A year ago, I started dating this really hot guy. We got along great, but then he joined the military. He went off to basic training and called me once to tell me he loved me. I just kind of flippantly said, “Love you too.”
After all, I didn’t want to depress him, especially when he’s fighting for our country. And there’s a little something he doesn’t know: After he left, I met someone I like better. I haven’t told military man about my new guy, and now military man wants me to come to his graduation. Do I tell him about the new guy? Or should I just keep quiet, since he’s going off to Iraq?
—-DEA
Do your country, humanity and your single sisters a favour and don’t two-time a committed soldier who is looking for the real deal. No one wants to be strung along or lied to. You need to be direct and honest with him. The fact that he is in the military does make him a little more prone to depression and can make the situation a little more complicated, but that depression is a lot more likely if he finds out you’ve been sneaking around and seeing someone else behind his back. While there is no easy way to break the news, take ownership of your actions and let your military man know the breakup is not because he has done anything wrong. He may get angry, he may be sad, he may withdraw, but you need to let him do that and let him know that you’ll be there for him if he needs you. And one last thing, in the future, never say “I love you,” “I do” or “I will” unless you mean it. |
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