Reward for goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man He asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, " I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." St Peter replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Peter asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, " I cheated on my wife twice." Then Peter replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a fourbedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man St. Peter asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, " I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a moto cycle for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was homeless and had a bicycle for transport.
What is intelligence?
TWO men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other.
"I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Sorry for eating the peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway.
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Ghana, another from Germany, and the third from USA. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well figure the job will run about ?900. ?400 for materials, ?400 for my crew, and ?100 profit for me."
Next was the American contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Ghanaian contractor said, "$2,700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said pulling the guard to one side and lowering his voice. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from America.
Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.